CrossFit sucks, and you shouldn’t do it

Lot of “Why I do CrossFit” blather on various blogs and such. Really they are tripe and don’t reflect real CrossFit. Here’s what’s real.

CrossFit has a whole bunch of very complex movements that you CANNOT do.

Re: Muscle Ups. You will struggle for years and never get one.Then some schmo straight out of the On-Ramp class will walk up to the rings, say, “what are these for?” and bust out his first muscle up like it’s child’s play

Re: Handstand walks. Humans were meant to walk on their feet. I’m pretty sure it’s even in the Bible somewhere, maybe. But all CrossFitters think you should walk on your hands. You won’t be able to. Then some 5’nothing 110# former gymnast will show up one day and say, “I remember doing these when I was 10.” and walk, on her flippin’ hands, all the way across the gym.

Note: You are legally allowed to kill someone like that. It’s OK. Trust me.

Re: the Snatch. Oh yeah, it looks so darn pretty when you see a youtube video of Klokov throwing 5 million bajillion pounds over his head, but it ain’t pretty when you do it. Why? Because. That’s why. And you will never, ever, never get any better.

Re: Inchworms. What medieval bastard came up with the idea to put inchworms in a warmup? They suck. Nobody is that flexible, and your hands get dirty, like, first thing. Knock it off and warm up sensibly.

Re: Treadmills. There are none at CrossFit. Need I say more? I didn’t think so.

Re: Butterfly Pull-ups. Butterflys don’t NEED to do pull-ups. They can freakin’ FLY!!!! Nor do you look like a butterfly when doing butterfly pullups. You look more like a snake. They should be called snake pull-ups. Duh.

Re: The Open. Hello cultfest!!! If 200,000 people decided to do pull-ups and burpees does that mean you should too?

Re: Wallballs. Notice I’m letting Burpees go even though I mentioned them in the previous bit. I’m not a sadist. Wallballs suck for EVERYONE. If you are tall then you have to squat lower than the good Lord intended. If you are short that line up at 10’ looks like it might as well be the moon. Then again, if you are that short you have a lot more problems to deal with. Nobody like wallballs. Nobody, and if someone tells you that they do – see earlier what I said about gymnasts.

Re: Running. Look, running is hella cool. It’s the best exercise IN THE WORLD, but CrossFitters love to whine and complain about running. This proves they are not very bright. Smart people love to run, and if you don’t love to run…. well… I won’t tell you that you aren’t smart, but the logic is unassailable.

That’s probably sufficient proof. Don’t do CrossFit. Even if you walk into a crossfit gym (which they call a “box” – WTF?), and people say “Hi” to you, look generally fit and actually come back after they have joined – it’s a facade. Don’t believe it.

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